There was a movie some time back starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan called “You’ve Got Mail.” It was a story about two people who inadvertently connect via the Internet and end up falling in love. It's a cute story as stories go, I guess, and at least it has a happy ending.  They seem to spend most of the movie waiting on the computer to “ding” with the iconic AOL voice intoning “you’ve got mail.” See, kids, back in the pioneering days of the Internet, email was announced like someone entering a state dinner at Buckingham Palace.  

Fast forward to modern times and ability to turn off or on notifications, Ol’ Dutch has another kind of ding going on with his computer and smartphone. It seems that somewhere or sometime in the past, I must have signed up for the United States Postal Service, (USPS), to notify me when mail is headed my way.  

This is not the online kind of mail, but rather that thing from the Jurassic Age called snail mail. Real paper that will soon appear in my Post Office Box. Now, I am not sure about the parameters set forth on this service, but I have noticed that the only pieces of mail that I get a preview of is junk mail. 

This past election cycle brought on a mass mailing from every Tom, Dick and Harry or at least their cousins running for political office to my box. Every day the “dings” would come, and I would rush to see what great surprise was coming soon to my grubby hands. So, imagine my disappointment when I never got any pictures of Birthday Cards with money inside, letters from Publishers Clearing House about winning the contest or letters from King Oblimongatta from Kenya wanting to give me my fortune as his only legitimate heir. 

Instead, I got pictures of political brochures begging me for money and votes, advertising for Medicare advantage, offers to install new windows in my home, extended warranties for my car, offers to buy my farm and a myriad other “junk” mail. 

Ol’ Dutch got to thinking – a dangerous proposition according to Miss Trixie – about this the other day as I unloaded my mailbox of a sack full of unsolicited paper stuff. And I realized then and there I was just the middleman between the Postman and the Trash Man. Here I was somehow caught in the middle between two legitimate businesses working for free to assist them in their pursuits. 

And this is how it works. The Post Office gets all this bulk junk mail and is paid to deliver it to me in my box at my address. A truly remarkable feat in any day and age. All these paper goods are then taken by me to the house where I look at the outside of the envelope and throw the mail in the trash. I then throw all that junk mail in the dumpster not 25 feet from the same Post Office Box that I took it out of and on Wednesday mornings, the Trash Man comes around and picks up the sack of mail and takes it to the landfill for disposal. 

Of late there has been quite a bit of talk on the news about how the Postal Service is losing so much money and I think Ol’ Dutch just may have a solution to that dilemma. And, yes, you guessed it. The Postman could simply throw away all that junk mail right at the Post Office thereby eliminating having to deliver so much mail while still being paid by the bulk mailers to do so. It’s actually the same effect as I don’t read it anyway and will save so much gas and man hours delivering said slicks. 

As you can see, me and Elon have a thing going to save money. Now if I could only catch onto his way of “making” money, Miss Trixie and I would be set for life. 

Kevin Kirkpatrick spends his days fishing, hunting, ATVing, hiking or making people laugh. His email is Kevin@TroutRepublic.com. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com.